Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in xwild_horsesx's LiveJournal:

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Sunday, February 25th, 2007
4:15 am	Nervous breakdown, again So, after 4 episodes of Veronica Mars, 1 episode of Iron Chef America, an extra large Butterfinger, and 1 bag of Cheetos; I am finally starting to recover from my nervous breakdown earlier. Granted the junk food will just go straight to my theighs and then I shall just become more depressed about my current weight and have to throw the food back up more often. Although tonight's episode of sobbing and self-hatred had nothing to do with how I look and everything to do with how I think. I went to this dance party in one of the dorms with 2 of my friends, they being the only 2 people I knew. One was drunkish and dancing with everybody so she really didn't understand my need/plea for her to stick with me for like 20 minutes while I got adjusted to the whole gathering and the other friend, is well a friend that I don't know what she thinks about me and she's really popular so I just don't think she understands just how much she intimidates me. Due to that I didn't really wanna explain to her why i was freaking out so bad. I really wanted to dance and have fun, but the social paranioa and anxiety had already kicked in to such a level that I just couldn't handle it. Then my one freind left for a bit to see if she could find her keys and although my other friend was still in the lounge she was all over the place and basically didn't notice the fact that I was absoluely frozen with fear. All too soon I was close to tears and there was noone there to snap me out of it. So I left. Call me chicken-shit, tell me I'm a wuss for not just going back and saying fuck you to all the crazy thoughts running thru my head, but until you experience the absolutely mind numbing fear that I'm struck with and/or the overwhelming thought that everyone is laughing at you, don't tell me that shit like this is easy to handle. I JUST WANNA BE THAT GIRL THAT PEOPLE REMEBER AND SAY "OH YEAH, WE HAD A BLAST WITH HER!" I used to be that girl, back before I felt like nothing. Now I doubt that one person who isn't a good freind of mine will ever think back to some event I was at and even be aware that I was there. Highschool sucked because I was worse than an outcast, I was a ghost. Nobody really knew me and nobody probably remebers me. I thought that I could change that; afterall I have made some progress. I go out to the club with the girls and dance like crazy on platforms and cages. However, without my friends here to snap me out of things or gently push me out of my box, or to have them here in general because they know where I'm coming from and can completely grasp what this entire, rambling entry is about without my having to give background info or tell them why it is I think this way, without them here I just can't seem to make the "fun me" a part of who I am here. Current Mood: crushed (Comment on this)
Thursday, February 1st, 2007
10:15 pm	Ex-communication is the worst kind of torture People suck, really they do. i don't have a fucking clue what I've done so damn wrong, but it seems that no matter what I become ex-communicated from groups of friends and people I thought I was getting along with and then the people I try to be freinds with. I truelly don't understand what it is I've done within the past month for people to start not inviting me things, ignoring messages and all together making it seem clear, at least to me, that they don't want to associate with me. I wish these people would just tell me what it is that I've done to hurt them, piss them off whatever instead of just ignoring me. Although I suppose that works to thier advantage since the "silent treatment" is really the worst kind of punishment. Current Mood: hurt (Comment on this)
Wednesday, December 6th, 2006
1:21 pm	First dance performance(s) and issues that I have Well last week Saturday was offically the first dance performance I have ever done. I was nervous as all get-out, but a few of my friends came and sat right were I could see them so that I could look out at them instead of random people in the crowd. As a team we did really well considering we had only learned the end of the dance about 2 days before. It helped that it was a girls basketball game so there wasn't as many people there. However, on Monday the first game we performed at wasa guys game and there were tons more peopl, but I wasn't as nervous because I knew that I could do it, I did such a good job that time except for moving up to far in one of the formations--oops :). Not to mention I had been feeling reallly really sick since the night before and hadn't gotten much sleep and then had the chills and uncontrollable shaking the rest of the day. But after I ate dinner I felt a bit better and was pumped for the last tiem we would perform this particular dance which was at the girls game that night at like 7ish. I did not do so well at the performance; I lsot my spot and instead of just not thinking about it and picking up on the next move I kinda was behind for a few counts. But all-in-all I think I did prety damn good for never having done chorographed dance before. Now I shall go into some issues that have been bothering me, so if all you want to know about my recent life is the happy, uncomplicated details then you should stop reading this right now. I know that most of my friends would not call me fat, but then again they woudln't neccisarily call me tiny either. I have struggled with image issues most of my "adult" life. I tend not to go after guys or persue dating because in the back of mind I don't think I'm good enough, in any sense, for anyone to want to be in a relationship with me. That and the fear that noone will really understand why sometimes, no matter how good things are going, I feel like shit. It's so hard for me to put what goes thru my mind into an explanation to anyone. On top of all of that I resent my sister because she is skinny,undeniably pretty, and has a personality that just about everybody loves. Yes, I am the older sister and some people think that just that fact alone should make me feel "superior" enough to ignore everything else. Well it doesn't. I'm short, slightly chubby, and be down right unagreeable. Sadly I can't really fix the height issue, but I have been trying to work on the being a nicer/freindlier/insert good personality trait here___. And now I'm going to try working on the chubby factor. My parents and my sister constantly critisize me for being lazy. I remeber when I quit swimteam a year or so before my sister my mom told me that I shouldn't because I'm too lazy about everything else and I'll get fat. That memeory will never leave me, although I doubt my mom still recalls it. So now that I'm in college and am trying to make changes in my life I've been going to the gym every Thursday to work out, on top of having 2 hour long dance practice 3 days a week. At first I saw an improvement, even before I started dance, but recently I haven't and a friend of mind said to me "your face got a little chubbier" after I came back from Thanksgiving break. I realize that he probably didn't mean any harm by that statement, but if other people are noticing that I'm gaining weight then just working out and trying to eat healthy isn't working on its own. So this past weekend when I went grocery shopping I got diet pills. The only side effect of them so far is that I get really "hyper" because they give you extra energy and I seem to be sweating more(gross I know), other than that I have been very careful to follow the directions exactly. I only take two a day, whereas it says that you can take up to 6. I'm not crazy--I know that I don't need six. But today when I was talking to some of my freinds they made me feel like I'm being irresponsible or selfish for taking the pills. I'm not taking them as the "easy way out" I'm taking them in combination with working out and eating well because those two things alone had reached a level where they weren't really doing what I wanted them to. I only plan on taking the pills for a month a the most and 2 weeks at the least unless I feel that they are really harming me in some way. I just wish that people would realize that I feel that I need to lose some weight and that regardless of how they may feel it doesn't help my image of myself enough that people say that I'm not chubby/fat/whatever, I feel that I am so I'm doind something that will hopefully give me more confiddence about myself. Current Mood: scared (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, November 2nd, 2006
7:11 pm	And the outcome is.... So I am deffinately going to Biloxi, MS from November 18-27 to rebuild houses and hang sheet rock as part of a hurricane reliefe program. I'm so excited!! But I have to get a god-damn flu shot in order to go. I HATE SHOTS. But I'll tough it out. It's only gonna cost me $96 at teh very most in order to go. $50 for gas because we are taking 4 vans down and then $30ish for random spending money while we're there and then the flu shot costs like $16, but I might be able to get it for free from the Winona clinic as long as I present my insurance card. I can't wait to go, but I am sad that I'm gonna miss celebrating Thanksgiving and Shantelle and Caela's birthday's. My birthday isn't that big a deal since I'm not really gonna be home for it anyways. I'm hoping that I get a few good checks from family before I leave for Biloxi so that I can cash them right away to pay for everything. Current Mood: chipper (Comment on this)
Monday, October 30th, 2006
8:51 pm	Thanksgiving and my B-day So I have really exciting news, or at least I think it's cool. I might be going to Biloxi, MS during Thanksgiving break to help with hurricane relief. I'm so psyched, but I'm still debating about whether to go or not because then I would miss celebrating my sister and my cousin's birthdays and technically mine too since we were all gonna get together during break to celebrate all three of ours. Oh and my idea for a gift to myself for my birthday is a tattoo. We'll see what the day brings. Current Mood: awake (Comment on this)
Tuesday, October 24th, 2006
10:23 pm	Dance Here's a funny one for everyone to get a kick out of: I'm joining the dance team at school. My roomate came in today and was like "do you wanna join the dance team because a lot of girls dropped fromit in order to do the cheerleading season" I was skeptical because the only dancing I can do well might as well come with a pole. But I decided to give it a try. I'm not that good. I cannot do these weird turns that they do that come from like ballet, but I'm trying to practice them. The only thing that scares me is that the dance team performs at half-time at basketball games. Current Mood: accomplished (Comment on this)
Saturday, October 21st, 2006
1:54 pm	Night from hell.. Last night I went out with some of my freinds to this dance that Winona State was having and it was alright, but not as good as the first one we went to. Anyways they had a dance competition and my friend Noel did the splits and we thought he broke his ankle or foot because he was in a lot of pain. So Tatiana, Hugette, Georgette and I decided we would give up our seats in the car so that he would have enough room to stretch out and then us four girls would just take the bus back to St. Mary's. We got on the bus and then it stopped at the second Winona State stop and the lady told us that we had to get off because she wouldn't not go any farther, but she told us that there would be a different bus coming at 1:30 that would go to St. Mary's. We were ok with that so we got off and waited at the bus stop. Well 1:30 rolls around and another bus comes, but turns out it's the same lady and we went to get on the bus since that was the only other bus that had been there in the past half hour and she told us again that she wouldn't go to where we needed her to go and so we told her that no other bus except hers had shown up, then she told us that the bus was gonna come at 1:50 and so we waited and that lady showed up 2 more times and no other bus came so at this point it's 2am and we know that none of the buses run that late. Now we were screwed cuz we had no ride, but then these 2 random girls walked up and started talking to us so we were just chatting and then the one girl, Bridget, asked why were sitting there so we told her our problem and she was like "well I know people at St. Mary's, I'll see if I can hook you up with a ride." She managed to find us a ride and so we finally got back to campus at around 2:30. While were walking down the hall the RA stops me and says "Alyssa did you know that Noel was in your room?" and I actually didn't but since I knew that Claudia and the rest of the group had brought him back it made sense that they probably wouldn't have made him walk all the way back to Benilde right away, so I told her yeah I knew that he had been in there earlier and that I had just got bakc to campus. The she says to me "well I just wanted to tell you that I'll be writing up an incident report because we found him in there after privacy hours(which is 2). I had no idea that he had been in there at that time cuz I had basically just walked in the dorm building. So I get to my room and my roommate, Claudia, is no where to be found. We call up Nicole because we knew that, that was who had taken everyone home. Come to find out that except me and the other 3 girls that had taken the bus, everyone was at the Old Village at a party. Well us four girls decided to wait in my room and watch a movie while we waited to see if the rest of the group was coming back and because one of Georgette's friends was supposed to be bringing us back some food. Well I ended up falling asleep and I woke up at like 5 and Georgette was still awake and waiting for her freind who she said would be there in five minutes and Tatiana was asleep on Claudia's bed because she hadn't come back. When Claudia did come back at 11 today I asked her to explain why she had let Noel stay in our room past privacy hours and she was like "What?" "I told him that he had to be out." So then I told her about my run in with the RA and it turns out that all this had gone down after Claudia and everyone had left for the Old Village. By now I was really pissed because I'm getting written up for something I had no part in. So we called Noel and said hey what the hell went on last night? Well he told us that he had been asleep on the floor in our room and then at about 2 or something he woke up to someone pushing his shoulder and telling him he had to leave. Well at first he thought it was one of us because Claudia had told him that I and the other girls woudl be back right away because she didn't know about the whole bus incident. So basically our RA unlocked our door and let herself and another RA in, while we were not there. So now we are gonna have a meeting with her at 2:30 this afternoon to get all the facts straight because it's a bunch of bullshit if I get written up because my roomate decided to leave Noel in our room and it's fucking wrong that the RA let herself into our room. Current Mood: bitchy (Comment on this)
Monday, October 16th, 2006
7:22 pm	Got this quote from my cousin's page. I think it is very applicable to a particular person, if you know me you know what I'm talking about and you will tolerate the rant that follows the quote. Please kiss my lips to refresh my heart because I lost my mind but I think I love you. I've been doing a lot of thinking lately and have come to the conclusoin that any relationship I've ever had the chance at has had horrid timing. James at JSA because although we certainly liked each other there was no real chance of anything one because of the shortness of our time actually spent in the same state and two because we lived about 2 thousand miles apart. Josh and I from the start. Back when I asked him to Homecoming I didn't think anyting of it other than I just really wanted to go with him. After homecoming there was that tiny space of time we kinda hung out. Then Country Thunder rolls around and my whole world gets turned upside down. He said his mom told him not to break my heart and he said he knew better and he wouldn't, but he broke my heart the first time he kissed me because I knew that what was starting was gonna end faster than I ever wanted it too. I'm not an optimist, so I knew that with my leaving for college this whole crazy thing with him was gonna get really complicated and ten to one; crash and burn. In my opinion both the worst thing and best thing in the world is hope. Hope is what keeps me thinking that if I make it clear just how much I like him, he might want to give dating a chance. However, that same hope is what keeps me from giving this other guy,that is I guess interested in me, any chance at all because I've always been the type of person who will not be in a relationship with someone when I still have feelings for someone else. I just don't think it's fair to that person and it gives me a hard time because then I struggle with whether or not I truelly like the guy or whether I'm using him to fill in the gap. The only guy I want to be with right now, I can't. Which is driving me crazy because I seriously love him. Yes that sounds ridiculous, but as far as I'm concerned I'm telling the truth and it's what's stuck in my head and my heart. Despite how much of a bitch I was to Josh he always treated me right and despite all the shit he's done and despite how crazy he can be; I love him because he can make me laugh without trying and he never asks me to be someone that I'm not and for a whole bunch of other reasons that I just can't express in a way that would make sense to anyone. At first love is a choice; you chose to love someone because you find something in that person that you respect and you simply just wanna be around them. Then after a bit love is no longer a choice, it just is what it is and you don't have control over it anymore. Hence you've lost your mind. Well my mind is officially gone, but I would like it back because I know damn well that Josh isn't even close to feeling about me the way I do about him; which is to be expected. Current Mood: cranky (Comment on this)
Friday, October 6th, 2006
2:45 pm	Camping I'm really excited for this coming weekend. On Friday thru Saturday afternoon I'm going camping with the biology club and then Saturday night my friends and I are going to a Winona State after party since they have a Homecoming dance this Saturday, but we aren't going to the dance. I just hope that the weather stays nice this weekend since it has been in the 70's this past weekend and so far this week. Current Mood: cold (Comment on this)
Friday, September 22nd, 2006
12:46 pm	Random night Alright, so last tonight we had a "girls' night" in our dorm building and we did like the standard painting nails, and massages,etc. and then this girl Mollie said she had purple hair dye and one of the other girls, Kim, was trying to convince Mollie to let her dye her hair. Mollie didn't want her hair dyed so I was like "hey if you don't want to use it on your hair, I'll do it." At first Kim was only going to do strips of color but then we decided why not do all of it since it's supposed to wash out in like 10 washes, but my hair takes color really well so I have a feeling it's gonna be in for awhile. So after we randomly decided to do all my hair, we didn't have enough so then we drove to Wal-Mart to get more dye and some food since we were hungry--after all it was 11:30 at night by the time we got to Wal-Mart. Now we are letting the rest of it sit. The majority of the dye though has been in for like an hour so my hair is gonna be a really dark, plum purple. I kind of like it actually, but I guess I'll have to wait and see when we wash it out. Tomorrow is gonna be hilarious because I now have 10 different colored nails and purple hair. This is what happens when I'm bored and have no homework to do. Anyways there will be pictures of tonights randomness later this week. Current Mood: silly (Comment on this)
Tuesday, September 12th, 2006
9:41 pm	Why does the world hurt? Today I was having a fairly good day cuz I did well on a math test and had shortened class periods all day cuz of some stuff going on, on campus. Then all the sudden the old hurt, fear, and lonelines came hurtling back at me. Sure I have a good group of friends here, but they don't know everything that I've been dealing with the majority of my life and all the stuff I've been trying too work through the past 4-5 months. When all the pain hits I can't just breakdown and cry or get mad like I used to because they don't know how to handle it. They don't know that it's not against them or because of them and that there is really nothing anyone can do other than try to offer comfort after the storm. I realize that my friends from home are still there to catch me when I fall, but a phone call is so much different than being here, which I realize they can't be. They can't just drop their lives to save me from myself. I need to learn to do it on my own. But today was such a shock. I've been feeling great, happy even. I wasn't expecting to short circuit without any warning. The part that really makes it even harder to bear than when I'm at home is that I have to share a room and my roomate has been studying all day so I couldn't even go and curl up until the feelings quieted down so I still feel just as I did when it all hit, if not worse because I can't just be alone. Current Mood: crushed (Comment on this)
Sunday, September 10th, 2006
3:11 pm	How to steal a shopping cart... Alright so tomorrow our dorm building is holding a multi-cultural cookout so today Claudia, Hugette, Tamika, Noel, and I all went shopping to get food and all the others supplies. We were gonna take a bus, but we decided to walk to Shopko. It was like a 20min walk and then they didn't have any of the stuff we needed so then we walked to the Family Dollar. However, nobody seems to have the a grasp on the concept of budgeting. They were buying cups for like $3 for only 16 cups and I was like what the hell 'cuz there was 75 styrafoam cups for a dollar. Once we got all that worked out we then had to walk for like a mile and a half with two 12 packs of soda and pans and such. Then when we got to the grocery store we ended up buying 2 carts full of all the ingrediants and such. Since we had walked and the bus doesn't come after 5:30 we were gonna have to walk 4 miles back to campus with all this food. So we came up with the brilliant idea to "liberate" a shopping cart. We planned on paying for all the stuff and then make it seem that we had parked a car on the other side of the lot and then just walk off with the cart. It would have been hilarious to walk back on the side of the road with the cart, since there are no sidewalks, but we finally ended up getting ahold of this girl we know and she came and gave us a ride back. We jam packed the trunk of this little car with all the stuff we bought and then squeezed all 6 of us into the car that probably only comfortably holds 4. It was fun as hell and so funny that we just laughed the whole time. Current Mood: tired (Comment on this)
Thursday, September 7th, 2006
5:25 pm	College so far Well I've been here for like 2 1/2 or 3 weeks. It's really not as different as I thought it might be. It's really nice to be able to get out of class and do what I want in the middle of the day. Generally I take like a 2 hour nap since noone starts their homework until like 7pm so we're all generally up 'til midnight. I don't think I've gone to sleep at or before 10 since I moved in. Oh well. We all have more intersting things to do during the day so we all just wait to do the homework and since I get out at 12:30 3 days of the week and 1:30 the other 2 I have plenty of time to get everything done and still hang out. It's funny though cuz my roomate, Claudia, is black and so are most of our friends here; at least that's the group of people I've come to be friends with. Hugett is from the Congo and Georgette is originally from the Ivory Coast of Africa and then there is Edith, Tatiana, Gracia, Maribell, and Noel who are all from Chicago. The 4 girls are all Mexican or Puerto Rican and then Noel is black. We are our own little group of crazy people. Me being the only white girl so far--so they gave em the nickname/honorary title of "white chocolate"--lol. Apparently part of the reason I earned that nickname is because to quote Noel and Georgette "She's the only white girl on campus who's got a booty". I laughed so hard the first time they said that I almost cried. It's great though, everybody in our little group gets along and such. Hell last night or this morning for that matter; Claudia, Tatiana, Edith, Gracia, Edith's boyfriend, and I all went for a walk around campus at 1am. We walked the whole campus and then went over to the other side of campus over this like pedestrain bridge that the campus built so that students don't have to wait for traffic. it's pretty cool at night. We finally got back to the dorms at like 2am or so and then I slept for like 6hrs before I get ready for class. This weekend we're thinking about going into the bluffs for our nightly walk and bringing a video camera and like staging some sort of "Blare Witch Project" film while we're out there. It'll be fun. Anyways, that has been life so far, just thought I'd share. (Comment on this)
Monday, August 21st, 2006
9:07 pm	Just my luck... I finally get the guy I want, but can't actually have him. At Country Thunder Josh and I talked over stuff and the like and basically we are having a short "fling" before I go off to college. Here's the issue: I left for vacation 3 days after Country Thunder for 5 days and then when I got back we were still..whatever, but we can't do or say anything in front of his or my parents because we agreed on keeping it a secret; mostly so that my mom doesn't come up with a whole bunch of rules and all that(at least that's my biggest reason for keeping quite). A few of his freinds know about it and several of mine do(but since I don't have a whole slew of friends I actually tell important things to less people on my side probably know than on his) Anyways I'm horrid about calling guys so I don't often call him because back in October when I he came to Homecoming with me and then we were sort of hanging out back then he would call a lot so, silly me, I thought this would be similar, but of course not. He doesn't really call me so then we both end up thinking that we're being ignored and such. I know better than to be a jealous person with him because although we are "seeing each other" he is free to see other girls and the same goes for me and other guys(yeah right), but the thing is I'm not jealous that he is seeing other girls I'm jealous that they get to spend time with him and that they don't have to keep everything a secret and he can talk about them without anyone going "oh really?" whereas I can't just walk up to him and give him a hug or whatever because I usually only see him when we're out at the barn while his sister and the rest of his and my family are around. And I hate that because it makes me wonder if what went on at Country Thunder was him just taking pity on me cuz he knows that I really like him or if it was what it was and I'm just being my usuall paraniod and insecure self. This kind of thing is not my forte; I'm good at figuring out other people's problems, not my own. To top it all off he showed up at the horse show this weekend with this girl Leslie and I snapped. I didn't know at the time that she is just a long time friend of his so I was a royal bitch. Once I got all the facts straight I of course had to apologize, but I didn't give him the actuall reason for my little episode. Now we had discussed hanging out tomorrow since I leave Friday, but when I called to see if things were still on he said he wasn't sure because he's short on cash and has to go a long ways for work tomorrow. So this is what I mean by saying that when I actually get what I want, I can't enjoy it as I would like to. Current Mood: confused (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, June 22nd, 2006
12:15 pm	long time... So my summer so far has not been as awesome as I had hoped. Graduation rocked though. Some of my family came over to the house before the ceromony at school and then Josh dropped by but I didn't get to see him cuz I was already on the way to the school. The Ceremony was extremely boring except for when Mr. Thorn caught one of the beach balls that was being hit around(they were of course supposed to be banned) and he was all smug about it and then all the sudden 2 more beach balls appear out of nowhere and the whole room started cheering and then of course at the end of the ceremony a whole lot of silly string just started flying thru the air(it was of course also banned), everyone was covered in it and then surprize, surprize I'm walking out of the gym and I hear my family screaming and so I looked arund for them and they were up in the balcony with Josh, he actually stayed for the whole thing, which was cool. I now have a job which doesn't pay the best and I get yelled at a few times but it's not all that bad and I at least have some cash. I was suppoesed to go into work today but I asked for the day off because the Denistons are going to be in town and I haven't seen them in soemthing like 2 years.. I miss them so much, they used to be like a second family to me but I just found out yesterday that they aren't going to come to my grad. party this Sat. even though we told them way back in April that it was going to be either this Sat. or Sun. and we sent them an invite, but no they aren't coming because Robbie has to work at something for sports from 5 till 11 at night so I took of work today to go see them at the boys sports game that is going to be at a nearby high school. I can't wait for the party becuase my parents actually rented a moonwalk for me and a dunk tank...it's kinda gonna be like a mini carnival. It's gonna kick ass!! Current Mood: cheerful (Comment on this)
Monday, April 10th, 2006
5:57 pm	Rant I leave for the Dells in 3 days and it can't be soon enough, the tension in my house is starting to build again and I'm really mad at just about everyone and everything right now. My freinds because they can't get thier acts together and figure out when we can all meet to discuss who is bringing what to the Dells and who's driving and other various, but extremley important details that noone seems concerned about, but ought to be. My parents because they decided for me what job I should have when I go to school, they didn't even consult me about what I'd be comfortable doing. My sister because she is constantly saying that she's fat when she barely weighs 100 pounds while I'm the one in size 6 jeans; hell everyone tells her on a daily basis that she's cute or hot or fun, I'm lucky if some people even know I exist, let alone get compliments for gracing this most wonderful planet(can you feel the sarcasm in that?). My mom because she is constantly accusing me of waiting until the last minute to get permision slips signed or other things done, she never takes into consideration that the other people may have been behind and therefore I ended up being because of them, nope that thought never enters her mind. And then you have everyone in my imediate family, all together who constantly tell me that I'm a lazy bum who just wants everyone to do things for her. They obviously don't see and probably never will see that I'm the one going crazy trying to keep this family together. All my energy goes into keeping everyone else happy and keeping them from constanly blowing up at each other, so of course I may be a bit tense and easily annoyed when people are constantly teasing me or making me feel worthless. SO what if I want to spend 4 hours in front of the TV or reading a good book, that is my time, that is my de-stressing time that I have to take everyday after constanly paying upmost attention in class and getting the best grades so that my parents will be proud of me for something and then having to come home and deal with everyone else's drama and fixing it all for them while trying to be as subtle as possible so they don't get all defensive and tell me that I'm meddling. I'm sorry that it is such a crime that after 17 years of constantly listening to people yelling and being yelled at and then getting so mad taht I end up yelling that now a days I don't wanna hear anyone yell at anyone else unless it's in a playful manner. Because now whenever someone experiences sadness or pain or whatever, I feel it just the same because I know the kind of emotional pain they are going thru and I can't handle anymore of it. So I'm just utterly sorry that all my efforts behind the scenes don't seem to be any effort at all, and I'm sorry that all I want to do is feel safe, loved and calm. I can at least acheive one of those by watching TV because I do't have to fix those people's problems and when the people in the fiction of Tv have thier good moments I can at least pretend to feel it too so that I can survive tomorrow without wanting to give up. Current Mood: depressed (Comment on this)
Saturday, April 1st, 2006
9:28 pm	So I only had 3 days of school this week because I went on trip to the Milwaukee county court house for business law and then Friday I wasn't at school because I was at St. Mary's University in Winona Minnesota for an overnight visit.  It was really awesome.  We drove up Thursday night and stayed at a hotel and then Friday morning I went to the addmissions office and then went to 2 classes.  Later on I met up with the group of girls I was staying with.  They are a group of girls on campus who belong to the St. Teresia's womens' group which is like a leadership group that women can join.  The Freshman and Sophmore girls live together in Vlazny hall and do group stuff but they all have classes with everyone else on campus and all that other good stuff.  I think I'm probably going to join that group.  After dinner we all went to St. Joes hall and listed to a local band called Jayber Crow play in the lounge; they were really good.  Then we went to the campus theater to see Macbeth.  Wow, it was really good.  It had like a modernized look( like guns not swords) but it still had the Shakespearian language.  Then we all did kareoke in the lounge till 12.  So I'm now offically enrolled at St. Mary's. I finshed all my conformation papers yesterday and then my parents wrote the check for my deposit and now I just have to decided whether I want to join the St. T's group of girls.  If I do then I will automatically be assigned to Vlazny hall.  If I don't then I just hope that I get my first pick of Skemp Hall because it's the only other all girl dorms, not to mention the nicest dorms on campus available to Freshman. I mean all the dorms are actually really nice and bigger than most others I've seen but Skemp has a sink in the room and a walk in closet. I was so proud of myslef because I had already been offered a scholorship of 7 thousand a year for my academics but I got another 4 thousand because I got like the Presidential award from the school for the essay I wrote with my application.  Then my parents had me take out a $1,200 student loan and they worked out whatever they are gonna be paying  after like the FAFSA and all that.  So my tuition is only like 14 thousand a year as opposed to over 24 thousand.  I'm so excited!  I can't wait for graduation and the day I move in. Current Mood: ecstatic (Comment on this)
Saturday, March 18th, 2006
5:41 pm	Poem Let's play hide and seek, but what you seek is gone and what you find you can't keep. So when the game is done you're still left all alone, trying to keep your heart from turning all to stone. Current Mood: creative (Comment on this)
3:53 pm	college Well I think I finally know for sure which college I'm going to....St. Mary's( therefore all the people routing against my all girl school have won--damn you all--lol). It's not deffinate yet, not until I get my FAFSA stuff back anyways. Hopefully the co-ed thing will work out, if not then I'll just transfer to Alverno the second semester or next year, we'll see. Current Mood: contemplative Current Music: Pretty Vegas--INXS (Comment on this)
Sunday, March 5th, 2006
5:23 pm	Dancing Last night was awesome! I went to this club called Zero Gravity with my friends Alex and Micheall. We didn't get there until like 2 in the morning, but that was ok since it's open until 4. I danced sooo much and they have these like "cage" things that aren't really cages, but more like the size of a small closet and the side facing out toward the dance floor has bars like a cage, but geez I have a big bruise on each of my knees because the guys I was dancing with like pushed me up against the bars and so my knees got a bit banged up. It was worth it, although there really weren't all that many really hot guys there. We didn't get home until like 5:30 this morning. It was great. Now however, I have to do a bunch of homework which really sucks. Current Mood: cheerful (1 Comment |Comment on this)